


(s)he hides away, like a ghost

by astronomical_ly



Series: where's my love [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Also kinda angsty, Angst, Character Study, Concerts, Harry Styles Loves Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles Whump, Heavy Angst, Hurt Harry Styles, Hurt No Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Harry Styles, Past Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Past Relationship(s), Pining, Sad Harry Styles, Self-Reflection, Song: Don't Let Me Go (Harry Styles), Song: Girl Crush (Harry Styles), larry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:08:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23222269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astronomical_ly/pseuds/astronomical_ly
Summary: What he would do to have Louis smiling at him with that beautiful sunshine smile, with his beautiful blue eyes lighting up like the goddamned sun, his eyes crinkling at the corners.  Sometimes though, Harry forgets that Louis doesn't need him for that anymore.  That he has someone else for that now.or; It's been three years and Harry performs a song.  And, unsurprisingly, it reminds him too much of a certain blue-eyed ball of sunshine he's tried to forget.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Series: where's my love [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2027245
Kudos: 25





	(s)he hides away, like a ghost

**Author's Note:**

> also in harry's pov

It's already been three years. 

Louis and Harry haven't spoken much to each other ever since Harry's _"Don't Let Me Go"_ incident. Partly because of Management, but mostly because Louis felt so utterly betrayed, apparently (Harry just thinks that this is Louis' idea of a really good punishment; to push Harry farther and farther away as Harry had expressed in his song), that he was rather cold and remained stand-offish to him for the remainder of the year. 

Then that year became a year and a half, then two, and now here they are, three years gone by with no talking. No hugging. No kisses. No cuddling. No snuggling. No goofing off in the studio. No pretending to give each other kisses during interviews. No living together. No sleeping together. With no making love.

Of course, Harry still loves him with all of his heart (he is his first love afterall, and first loves are always rather hard to forget - even as he convinces himself this, a phantom voice in the back of his head that sounds suspiciously like Louis" whispers, _F_ _irst fuck, you mean_ ), but as the days go by, Harry finds that it's getting harder and harder to love someone unconditionally when that person is, in fact, the father of a one-year-old child, who had cheated (and most likely still cheats) on him, who goes out on dates with models and shopping with beards (most probably fake ones, since Louis is most definitely not just straight), who basically doesn't give a fuck about Harry's feelings anymore. 

At least, it always seems like he doesn't (if the tabloids and papers and magazines are anything to go by).

But right now, Harry's got more pressing matters to deal with.

Harry is currently backstage of the BBC radio show. And he's about to perform _"Girl Crush"_ and he can't be any more nervous. Because he hasn't changed the pronouns for the song, which is specifically about a girl pining for her ex and talking about changing herself to be more like the new girlfriend and Harry understands what would explode with him performing the song and not changing a thing, even though his new management specifically told him (even though they had no problem with him being gay - or so they said) that they think that he just isn't ready to receive all the HARRY STYLES MIGHT BE GAY or HARRY STYLES CONFIRMS SEXUALITY WITH COVER OF GIRL CRUSH media attention yet. 

And Harry understands that, he really does, except he just wants to do something that doesn't label him as anything, something that projects his solo career as refreshing, new, and independent, as _himself_ , as _Harry Edward Styles_ , not the face of a freaking record label company, or as _Womanizer Harry Styles of One Direction_ (he really isn't sure which one is worse).

And even though he still isn't admitting it, a tiny part of him is hoping that Louis is maybe watching. And that Louis maybe gets what Harry is trying to say. That _P_ _lease, don't be so distant_ , and that _P_ _lease, can you tell me what I'm doing wrong, so I can be someone you'll love again?_

Sweat is breaking out on Harry's forehead, which is ridiculous; The hosts haven't even announced him yet. 

Harry waits a little more - and there it is. They're announcing him, and he's going to throw up. Or faint. Or laugh nervously and completely screw up the entire song. Or die. Or he'll maybe even possibly do all three first. And _t_ _hen_ he'll die.

Now his legs are moving without his consent, on their own, and Harry is terrified. Not that you could tell it, of course. No one can. No one could. Except for maybe Louis (but of course, Louis isn't even watching, so _what are you even thinking about, idiot)_.

Harry steps into the light, and he suddenly thinks back to that time when he first sang _"Don't Let Me Go"_ , when he was singing about lights blinding him. It's a lot like déjà vu, because he's getting that same feeling again.

His legs are shaking, his knees are just _begging_ to make contact with the cold floor of the stage, but Harry refuses to give in to something as mundane as the fear of _Louis fucking Tomlinson_ watching him. He's doing this for Louis (and for himself too, of course, but let's face it - this is infinitely more about Louis). He isn't singing for the fans here now, or the ones watching him on television. He's singing for _Louis_. And he's praying to whatever holy being there is out there that Louis is watching him, that Louis is feeling everything Harry hopes he feels, and he begins to sing alongside the guitar that he plays for this song.

_"I got a girl crush_

_hate to admit it but_

_I got a heart rush_

_it ain't slowing down"_

Harry starts off slow, quiet, because he's nervous, which definitely isn't a first. When he was sixteen, he was insecure, vulnerable, and cried over all the hate he got sent to him. And now, even though everyone thinks otherwise, because of his decisions to wear flamboyant flowery suits, and how he plays the guitar now, and how he chooses to write songs about random things like _kiwi's_ (for God's sake, are you crazy, Styles?) and imaginary women having his baby and sex, he still cries when he searches up #HarryStylesHate on Twitter. He still has to look at his fingers when he plays the guitar because he doesn't want to accidentally play the wrong note/chord and mess it up. He still misses his mum and his sister and _still_ no one in his family can bring up Louis in fear of making him cry (or at the very least, start throwing things around).

_"I_ _got it real bad_

_want everything she has_

_that smile and that midnight laugh_

_she's giving you now"_

Harry gives a bitter mental laugh as he thinks what he would do to be in Eleanor's place. In Danielle's place. Hell, even Brianna's place. What he would do to have Louis smiling at him with that beautiful sunshine smile, with his beautiful blue eyes lighting up like the goddamned sun, his eyes crinkling at the corners. What he would do to laugh with Louis about something weird and ridiculous, like "dog-parking" signs and pigeons on the street that look like Kevin. Sometimes though, Harry forgets that Louis doesn't need him for that anymore. That he has someone else for that now. (And doesn't that hurt like a bleeding bitch).

_"I want to taste her lips_

_yeah, 'cause they taste like you_

_I want to drown myself_

_in a bottle of her perfume"_

Louis once told Harry that he liked a specific kind of cologne. Harry then made it a point to wear it every day. But now Louis was dating Eleanor or Danielle or whatever new bimbo he had decided to date at this point, and Harry just wants the perfume they used. It must've been something very exquisite, if Louis found it pleasing enough, or if it made him happy. _Wow_. Harry's so desperate that he'd snog Louis' girlfriend at this point, if only to just taste the remnant of Louis' beautiful lips one hers one more time.

_"I want her long blonde hair_

_I want her magic touch_

_yeah, 'cause maybe then_

_you'd want me just as much"_

Harry wanted a gender swap (or something along those lines). He really just wants to be a girl at this point. He wants Louis' girlfriend's long blond hair, and her body and everything that made Louis love her. If it meant having Louis again. And Louis wanting him back.

_"And I've got a girl crush_

_I've got a girl crush"_

Sure, it was a girl crush. He was so obsessed with Louis' girlfriend that he's willing to be just like her. Because he just wants to love Louis through being her, through being better than her.

_"I don't get no sleep_

_I don't get no peace_

_thinking about her_

_under your bed sheets_

_the way that she's whispering_

_the way that she's pulling you in_

_lord knows I've tried_

_I can't get her off my mind"_

Harry can't count on one hand the number of times he's lost sleep over wondering if Louis and his girlfriend were having sex or not. If they were making love. If Louis called it making love and not fucking, because Louis loves the girl just as much as he once did Harry if not more, if the girl has doubts on whether Louis really loves her, and if to reassure her, Louis says to her, _"We're not fucking, sweetheart, we're making love."_ Just like he did to Harry when they had their first time.

_"I want to taste her lips_

_yeah, 'cause they taste like you_

_I want to drown myself_

_in a bottle of her perfume_

_I want her long blonde hair_

_I want her magic touch_

_yeah, 'cause maybe then_

_you'd want me just as much_

_and I've got a girl crush_

_oh, and I got a girl crush"_

Harry sings the chorus and pours out every inch of love and hate and remorse and regret and fear in his heart, so much so that it'd be surprising if the fans in the audience can't feel the genuine emotions tumbling out of every fiber of his being. He sings with all of the bottled-up emotions he's been keeping to himself for the past three years, and he's praying with every inch of his heart that Louis is watching, that Louis is feeling everything Harry is feeling, because if Louis isn't, then Harry honestly doesn't know what he's going to do.

He brings himself to the closing verse, and blocks out all thoughts of the crowd in front of him, loses himself in the song and thoughts of _LouisLouisLouis_ and just _sings_.

_"I got a girl crush_

_hate to admit it but_

_I got a heart rush_

_it ain't slowing down"_

Harry finishes singing, takes a little step back from the microphone, and inhales a sharp little breath, the applause nothing but a faint ringing noise buzzing around in his head.

The aftermath of his performance seems to go by in the blink of an eye: He walks offstage, hands his guitar to his assistant, gets rushed to the dressing room, shoos out all of the makeup-artists and designers, locks the door, sits down, and has a long, good, cry.

He cries because after so long, he's pouring out his real, genuine, emotions into a performance. Everything before that has been a staged act, so well-performed that even Harry's closest friends had never been able to tell them apart from what should be the real thing. He used to be a shit liar. Everyone still thinks he's a shit liar, which couldn't be farther from the truth. So maybe Harry should thank Louis for that, because, without him, Harry wouldn't have gotten so good at making others believe the lies that seems to stream from his mouth in a constant flow (he even lies to his mother - seriously, how low do you have to stoop to start lying to the woman who _birthed_ you?).

One thing that Harry doesn't know is when he's going to have to stop acting. When this constantly ON act is going to finally read OFF. He doesn't know when he can finally be himself. Maybe that won't ever happen unless Louis comes back. Maybe not. But it seems like that's going to be the case anyway, because when Louis left Harry _for good_ , left him _definitely_ , Harry felt as if Louis took a part of Harry's heart and soul with him.

Whatever the case, Harry just hopes everything becomes better (not necessarily _good -_ just _better -_ it would be fine for Harry, at least right now). That whatever shit happened between him and Louis will be fixed again and that Harry can be happy (and it's not because he believes that he actually _deserves_ happiness, no, it's just because if whatever beef between the two of them were fixed, then maybe Harry could finally rest. Maybe sleep for more than four hours at a time. Maybe look at the blue sky without comparing it to the hue of Louis' eyes and then hurting immediately afterward).

What he doesn't fail to realize, though, is that it's a long time before any of that is going to happen (most good things are like this, though, just _there_ , so but out of your reach).

And isn't that just the saddest thing. 

What's even sadder is that he actually thinks that maybe he deserves a little more sadness before happiness comes again. And even though people will try to convince him that this way of thinking isn't healthy, he'll think, _It's okay._

(No. It's really not.)

But really, what does he know?

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me on my tumblr: [@astronomicall-y](https://astronomicall-y.tumblr.com/)  
> or my twitter: [@astronomicall_y](https://twitter.com/astronomicall_y)  
> link to my discord server if you wanna come and chat: [astronomically idiotic](https://discord.gg/MTYBm5Y7)


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